Fun Fact: I cannot stand birds. I don't trust them. They're too smart for their own good and the majority of them are out to get me (don't argue. I know this to be true).
It all started in my childhood when I would go stay with my cousin who had a parrot. They lived in the country, which in itself was kind of creepy at night, but this bird...nightmare fuel. My cousin and I were pretty young when she first taught him my name. Simon, that's his name by the way, was very smart. He would talk jibber jabber all day long, but most of it made sense. So when my cousin innocently decided to teach Simon to say my name.. guess what instantly became his favorite word to sing in the dark at 3AM through their house in the middle of the woods? Jooohhhhhnaaaaahhhhhh
Since Simon, I have had 4 Seagulls use me as their restroom. Once during a playoff softball game when I was in left field. I immediately started gagging (as I do) and the umpire would not call time. Poop hat for an inning. Awesome. TWICE when I was chaperoning my daughter's 2nd grade field trip. Both number 1 and 2. My lucky day! Provided laughter for children for a solid hour so I call that one "taking one for the team". And finally, once when I was about to take a group of tourists on a tour around the city. "Welcome to the USS Alabama. My name is Johnna Poopmer and I'll be your tour guide." Had to have another person show them around all because these birdjerks have a bathroom selection process of which I still do not understand yet perfectly fit.
Don't believe me? Here's what happened at family Easter a couple of years ago when my cousins decided to let our pic be ruined by integrating a baby bird. DO NOT TRUST. ABORT MISSION.
So now do you see why scaring away birds would be the best possible retirement for me? I can't wait to get old and not care what society cares or expects me to do. I'm gonna just ride a scooter around town with a megaphone screaming at seagulls. You're invited.